


Pillowtalk for Beatrice and Benedick

by storiesfortravellers



Category: Much Ado About Nothing - Shakespeare
Genre: Banter, F/M, Humor, sexual innuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-28
Updated: 2012-10-28
Packaged: 2017-11-17 05:15:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/548004
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/storiesfortravellers/pseuds/storiesfortravellers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beatrice and Benedick discuss zoology, facial expressions, and the nature of fools. And sex.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pillowtalk for Beatrice and Benedick

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Porn Battle (multi-fandom prompt fics). The prompt was for this pairing, wordplay.

"You're sneering!"

"I am doing no such thing!"

"I have a wife who sneers, sure enough!"

"If you believe 'tis a sneer, then you are not looking at my face, sir. That is the part on the front the head, a thing that an animal has that plants do not."

"Yes, I am well aware of what a face is, and I am well aware of what a fool is too!"

"Of that I have no doubt."

"And I am no fool, except that I have married, and indeed it well-known that the wisest of men become fools when they are married!"

"Perhaps they were always fools, but none noticed until the men stood in comparison to their wittier wives." 

"I think not, dear wife, it is far more likely that the men must have become fools before the betrothal, most likely because they offended some witch or stepped on a toad and thereby incurred a curse. For there must have been some dark magic to turn them suddenly into fools, else there would have been no marriage, and the whole mess avoided thusly."

"So the conclusion then, whether by dark magics or through some more natural causes, is that you are indeed, regardless of the instigation, an utter fool?"

"Only to the extent that I am married."

"Can one be married by halves? If so, I prefer the right side. No, the left. No, the bottom, yes, surely I intend to have the bottom half."

"You flatter me, wife."

"It is the half without the mouth."

"Has ever a man had such an impossible wife!"

"But no, surely this cannot be possible to married to an 'extent'; one cannot be married by halves, one must be married full and whole and proper, and therefore, by your own admission, as you are fully a husband, you are fully a fool."

"I am no fool, and you will not sway me. These eyes, they saw a sneer on your face. An expression like a wolf about bite the head off a weasel."

"A weasel, my good husband? Now that you have mentioned it, it does look a bit like a weasel."

"Oh for my sanity's sake -"

"Indeed, it is a weasel. A long-necked weasel, whose head has been scorched bald. Perhaps it was struck by lightning, or some cruel children plucked the hairs out as a jest and then sewed them back on at the bottom of the neck."

"A weasel is an unflattering comparison, wife, unless you shall compare yourself to a hole in the ground where a weasel may hide from its predators."

"Yes, the weasel has many predators, husband, but it would not be meet to compare a woman to a clod of dirt."

"And it is right for a wife to compare her husband to a weasel?"

"Not her whole husband, only the part that sticks its head up out of the grass and looks around nervously, unsure where to run to next."

"And then the weasel chooses its target, a path atop a branch that is hidden in shade, a crevass in a strong and beautiful though annoyingly talkative ... tree?"

"A tree it is, then. But the laws of the forest must be obeyed, and the anteater must have priority over the weasel."

"What on this earth is an anteater?"

"A newly discovered animal, sir. One that is notable for its very long tongue."

"Then perhaps you are right, my lady. The anteater shall proceed first, and then weasel soon after."

"Not too soon after, of course."

"Of course. One would not want to give cause for the tree to sneer."


End file.
